Billie was born the summer of 1996. When she was born I had such high aspirations for her. I could have never thought that day over 14 years ago that today I would be going through what I am.

Let me tell you a little bit about my angel. Billie is the oldest and probably my quietest child. Life could pass Billie by and she would never say a word. I guess that was all true until about a year ago. Our lives as we knew them changed. Looking back I am sure the changes weren't as suddenly as we thought but I guess they just hit us in the face one day. I think I was in denial that something was wrong. Jay on the other hand could see it long before I.

Maybe it was the relationship with her father or his abuse. Maybe it was the pain she never got out. Those are things we are searching now. But whatever it was when my little girl turned 13 everything changed.

I remember the first time we were forced to call the police on her. My fear for not only her but for myself and her brothers was so high. I felt like I was such a failure as a mother. I felt like I was selling my soul to the devil. Like I could not do anything right for her. I remember the knife I remember the screaming and I remember thinking that I had to take some sort of drastic measure or I was going to be planning a funeral for my child.  That is a thought no parent in their right mind ever wants to think about.

So I called the police, the officer was great I guess it helped he was Jay's cousin. He told us our options. He talked to Billie and we decided it would be best if we had them take her to the hospital. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into that night, but I think we all knew it would change us forever. The hospital was very kind to us and they knew that we were in for hard decisions. We finally were given the verdict Billie would be Placed in PBH for a few days. It ended up being 4 days. This was the hardest thing I had to do signing all the paperwork. I really thought we were on the right track.

So she came home on Thursday went to school on Friday and blew up again on Sunday night we had to return to the hospital yet again. We were in for another stay at PBH. The doctor was saying that he was diagnosing her with Depression. OK she is 13 and depressed what is causing it is all I could think of. The stay was not to long this time and when she came home it looked like we were on the right track. We set up all the appointments did everything the right way. But needless to say a month later I was again on the phone calling 911. This time she was chasing us with a knife. I could have strangled the EMT and officers that came to my door that day. They had no clue what was really up. All they did was coddle her when Jay was standing there doubled over in pain from the kick he had taken to the crotch just minutes before they had arrived. I knew for sure then she could not return to my home until we had gotten to the bottom of all of this. We ended up putting her in PBH and they helped us get all the paperwork in order to have her admitted to Crossroads.

Crossroads was our God Send. Kylie was great she helped me get all the right things. She was amazed that we were able to get together within a two day period. So Billie began her stay there in March of this year.

There have been many ups and downs along the way but we are getting closer to getting to the bottom of everything. It is great. Each visit with her is a personal struggle for me as I always feel like I could do something more. This is my life so far with a teenager daughter with a mental illness. I pray each day that life will get better.

My Bible verse for today to get me through:

""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.""
Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV

Till the next time